today i woke to find news of her death on my phone.
the blood drained out of me. that cold, empty feeling.
for much of last week she had been on my mind. how is she, where is she, is she even still alive? i thought of messaging her brother to ask. but i have sensed a darker story for a long time. i didn’t want to open wounds. so i didn’t.
it’s been years since we had contact. our actual physical time together as young friends wasn’t that long. obviously she impacted me, left an impression. most of that short time we had, we got up to no good. i felt she was troubled even then. but i adored her; she was like the sun, shining so bright and drawing me to her warmth.
it seems strange to be so sad for someone whose presence in my life was fleeting. i guess she was part of an important and precious period for me. i doubt she realised that.
i wish i had known her more.
my sadness is probably greater because i should have done something a week ago. reached out, sent some love- a message across oceans and time. but it’s too late.
that’s a hard lesson to learn.
now the sun is also a star. x
how did i get here? to this place i don’t recognize?
it’s like all the little pieces of me slowly drifted away and now there is nothing left. nothing familar that is. it was so gradual, eroding. it feels a lot like the end, though how do you know if it is? if you are floating in nothingness, what do you catch hold of, to tether you, to bring you back? if you are in nothingness is there any point in trying to get out?
it’s probably a pretty dangerous place here.
when the wind is so strong and wild it takes your breath away.
and it whips your hair across your face.
and it chills you just enough that you can feel the warmth of your blood moving in your veins.
it’s then you know you are alive.
sometimes you need time. or so you think. and time passes and flies and soon you realise that so much of it is gone. time un-filled. maybe you didn’t actually need so much time after all, you just needed a break from your thoughts. suddenly you know that should get back to the moment that is now. or an attempt at now. here. this.
rinse. repeat.
i close my eyes.
i feel the sun heat my skin. there is a murmur. strains of music, the hum of distant life. the rustle of leaves.
only this body keeps me connected to the earth. without it i imagine i would float away.
as i do when i close my eyes.
i am who i am; you are who you are.
sometimes our lives intersect; the lines of our lives meet and cross.
we see each other in such moments, a recognition of the kindred occurs, perhaps only subconsciously.
maybe our moment will be just that, perhaps it will be a lifetime. either way, our intersection makes all else drop away and i see you. i believe you see me. yet the moment of sight is dispelled so quickly, it is easy to believe it is an enigma or even a dream.
hold that moment. the one where you saw me free of all else. where you recognized the sameness in our humanity. help that glimmer and spark to grow in your mind, unchanged.
i too, will hold it. i will always remember you.
i am the sum of a billion different influences, experiences, stories. they are all meaningful and important to me and me alone. the fibre of my being. my core. it is sometimes hard to accept that they may not be of value to others.
in a world that supposedly values individuality more than ever, the truly individual are often excluded for being different. for standing up for themselves and what they believe. most people don’t actually want to be challenged, especially by someone close to them. they can’t understand it, as being ‘like’ others helps create a sense of belonging. to them it is like losing control, instead of embracing the uniqueness and adventure.
because actually, there’s a little bit of freak in all of us.
stay true to who you are (oh yes, that old chestnut). wear it loudly and proudly.
i am guilty of this. the need to hold on to a moment, to make it last; or even trying to re-create it again. that feeling- a high, a glow, a sweetness. kind of like a drug. it’s funny the desire for that feeling, always trying to avoid the others (those which actually serve to distinguish that feeling). i guess it’s the best kind of addiction. except when it’s preventing you from living your life, being unable to function without it.
but that feeling is with us.
it always was.
there’s no need to chase it, it’s right here. now. you just need to see it.
it lives in you. it is yours.
you are that feeling.
x
have you ever had a moment of full awareness, a feeling of being totally present? like sitting on a mountain, observing the vastness, watching the trees and clouds move. and the wind speaks to you, whispering, about the beauty of this earth and your place in it. in this most fleeting and intangible moment you realise that this is God. there is overwhelming emotion, yet also complete peace.
have you felt it?
i have.
it was back in august.
